Kevin Federline has Packed on the Daddy Pounds

Whoa! That extra paunch Kevin Federline is packing better be his 1000 extra golf balls, or he'll have no chance of scoring a new mommy figure for his gaggle of kids. Looks like FedEx has been hitting the kids' stash of Poptarts more than they have. Perhaps he'd better lose the golfcart and start toting his own clubs around the course to shed a few libs.

Britney on Klepto Rampage

The trashtastic hot mess, otherwise known as Britney Spears, has been on a tear over the past week or so, shoplifting a few items here and there. First she stole a wig off a mannequin at a sex shop, than it was a lighter from a gas station. So far no one has bothered to take it further than the media.

Unfortunately for our Miss Brit, none of this looks very good to the court that is looking into a certain child custody issue. We'll soon see if her poor decision making might affect her custody battle with the Fed-Ex, and/or if anyone decides to press charges for her five-finger discount habit-in-the-making.

Quick Summary on Britney's Wreckarrific Life

The NY Daily News summarizes several publications thoughts on Britney Spears and what has become of her trainwreck of a life. It pretty much says it all.

All those who wish Britney Spears would move to East Ashtray, Manitoba, get a real job, be a real mom, and never be heard from again, raise your hands. Alas, she continues to be in our faces, and TMZ.com reports that she passed her drug test over the weekend. Still, OK! magazine has a highly detailed story of her partying at the posh Peninsula Hotel just hours after having her children taken away. After offering to pay her "friend" $1,000 to go get her some DVDs, she supposedly was nonplussed about her ex, Kevin Federline, getting child custody. A source claims to OK! that "when the subject of her boys' custody came up, one of the girls told Britney, "Don't worry, you'll get your kids back.' Britney replied: ‘I don't give a s— anymore. I never wanted them in the first place.'" She allegedly partied until 3 a.m. the night before she had a 10 a.m. visitation from her children, which she missed. And with a mansion in Beverly Hills, what's she doing in hotels anyway? Star mag claims that's where she met her drug dealer, whom it identifies as a petite brunette. Spears' beleaguered spokeswoman, Gina Orr at Jive Records, did not return our call.

Britney Gets the Kids Taken Away....Finally!

Dumba** popwreck Britney Spears really can say "Oops! I did it again!" now that the judge in her child custody case has awarded temporary full physical custody of the kids to K-Fed.

Yesterday L.A. County Commissioner Scott Gordon finally got fed up at Brit's actions, or lack of action, as the case may be. Spears failed to fulfill any of the stipulations Gordon had set forth in order for 50/50 custody to be maintained, and when shown photos of Brit driving the kids around Malibu without a valid driver's license, revoked custody.

So what did Brit Brit do after turning her boo-boo's over to their daddy's bodyguard? Well she went for a tanning session, y'all! Wouldn't you?

After tanning, the Britster abandoned her multi-million dollar house and checked into Beverly Hills' swank Peninsula Hotel.

For more on what Brit's (third) lawyer had to say regarding his client, click here.

Fed-Ex to be X-ed Out?

The crackpot investigative team over at Entertainment Tonight have released a story saying that Kevin Federline more than likely has a contract out on his miserable little life.

Multiple sources tell ET that the FBI made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger. Sources within the FBI tell ET that this is the bureau’s standard operating procedure when someone’s life is threatened.

ET has been working this story for the past two months.

Could Britney, faced with the very real prospect of losing her kids, have used her mega-bucks to put a hit out on the Ex?

Or perhaps the entire rap world pooled their cash to erase the blight on their music. Popozao!

Or perhaps all of the single women everywhere banded together to rid us of 'The Sperminator'.

Any way you look at it, it seems Fed-Ex may have a big X over his mug.

Britney Celebrates Divorce Settlement

What does every other newly minted rehab graduate do when they want to celebrate a big moment like divorce? Go to a bar, of course! That's just what Britney Spears did last night after spending the day with Kevin Federline and a bunch of lawyers finalizing the terms of their divorce.

Brit showed up at Bridge Restaurant and Lounge, wearing a wig and a ridiculous Bedazzled hat that didn't go with her sexy dress at all. The popster stayed only 30 minutes before leaving for parts unknown, but sported a huge smile for the paps.

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Britney's Kids Aren't Warming Up to Her After Rehab

Britney Spears is feeling the after effects of being away from her kids all this time. Apparently the two boys are much more comfortable with dad K-Fed at his place than with mom.

Britney Spears did the right thing by checking into rehab, but now the “Toxic” star is distraught that her sons seem more comfortable spending time with her estranged hubby Kevin Federline than her, according to the upcoming issue of Star. “When Britney came to Kevin’s house, she realized the boys felt very at home there, and that there wasn’t a place for her,” an insider told the tab. “She hasn’t had very good visits with the boys.”

They probably forgot who she was and what she looked like after staying out all night clubbing for weeks at a time. Or perhaps she has changed up her look with the head shaving and wigs one too many times, and they just can't place her any more. I'm not surprised by this report at all.

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K-Fed Celebrates His Birthday at Pure

Kevin Federline celebrates his 29th birthday at Pure nightclub in Las Vegas. The party was attended by ex Shar Jackson, family, and friends.

I hate to say it, but K-Fed actually looks quite do-able here. He's dressed nice, and he looks happy. Normally he's got some ridiculous gangsta face on for the camera. He needs to go for this real look more, and he may just be able to drop the "America's Most Hated" rap.

Photo: People.com

Britney and K-Fed Hammer Out Settlement

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reportedly settled on a divorce agreement, one which leaves the erstwhile rapper at least $15 million richer.

She'll be giving him $1 million in cold hard cash, and half her earnings for the 2 years they were married. Fortunately for the Britster, she barely worked during that time, and was busy pooping out babies and eating Cheetos instead.

The newest internet search engine king will also get half of whatever their Malibu mansion sells for, which is currently on the market for around $7.5 mil.

In addition to the financial settlement, the two have worked out a custody arrangement for the two kids, which gives each parent 50% physical custody for the time being. Britney will get full custody in the future, with Kevin getting visitation.

A source said, "Her time in rehab showed Britney that Kevin loves his kids and is a good dad."

The source went on to say that the two had an "amazing" meeting on Sunday, where they hammered out the terms of their divorce.

Brit checked out of Promises rehab yesterday, a few days shy of the 30 day programs ending, so she could attend Kev's birthday party.

David Beckham for Adidas

David Beckham in an Adidas photo shoot. Unfortunately he looks more like homey Kevin Federline in the top photo, than hot piece o' Brit a** Becks that we lust after.

K-Fed Leaves Rapping for Internet Search Engine

Never one who has been accused of being a brain trust, Kevin Federline has given up his couple thousand album selling rap career and is starting an internet search engine site. It's called 'Search With Kevin'.

Well, no one said the guy was creative.

Anyway, surprisingly you can search for regular stuff, and not just stuff about bling, and baby making, and drinking, and whoring in Las Vegas, and.....do I need to go on? You can even install it directly into your toolbar for ease of use.

When asked if they were worried about the competition, the founders of Google laughed loudly and wiped their collective asses with hundred dollar bills.

See Kev's search engine thingy here.

Britney Wants Reconciliation with K-Fed

The print edition of the National Enquirer is reporting that Britney Spears is desperate to reconcile with ex Kevin Federline. So much so that she allegedly snuck a phone call to a psychic hotline while she was going to an AA meeting, in order to ask about their future together.

"Britney was thrilled because the psychic said she'd stay with Kevin," the insider revealed. "The psychic predicted they'd be stronger than ever and they'd have a girl next. "Britney wants another baby, a girl, because she thinks that will keep Kevin from leaving her. "She even asked Promises for a romantic date with Kevin so she can get pregnant right away."

I know that when I'm trying to woo back my husband that I kicked to the curb, I like to go dry hump some random guy in the bushes, because nothing says love like cheating on your hubby!

K-Fed Pitching Reality Show

Kevin Federline is desperately trying to extend his 15 minutes of fame by pitching the idea of a reality show with K-Fed as the star. The show would focus on Federline's life as a single dad and estranged husband of an out of control popstar.

Federline was already pitching the show before Britney had her multiple meltdowns, head shaving, and rehab hopping, but now that Brit's name is incessantly in the news, things are looking up for K-Fed. There is definitely more interest in the idea now than there was before.

Stay tuned! K-Fed could be heading to a channel near you!

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It Could be a Lonely Birthday for K-Fed

Kevin Federline is having as hard of a time getting people to come to his birthday party as he did getting them to buy his rap CD.

After his ex-wife Britney Spears had a major meltdown, Kevin Federline insisted he wanted to stay out of the press. Now the Super Bowl commercial star is asking for tabloid coverage, and he wants big bucks in return. Insiders told us Federline has been asking the weeklies for $25,000 in exchange for "exclusive" rights to cover his 29th birthday at Eleven nightclub in West Hollywood. "The celebrity magazine will get its logo on the red carpet and exclusive coverage inside the club," said our snitch. "But who cares? Everyone will have access to the red carpet. And there aren't even any big celebs confirmed for inside the party." Sources also told us that whichever rag coughs up the cash "won't even get a real interview with K-Fed." The Eleven club sent out a press release announcing the "intimate cocktail and dinner party with celebrity friends" on March 21. A rep for Federline confirmed the party, but had no comment on the details.

It sounds like it could be another lonely evening for K-Fed. Maybe he could give tickets away like he gave CD's away.

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Britney's Troubled Rehab Stay

Rumors are flying that Britney Spears is having a very hard time in her plush digs, otherwise known as rehab. There have been reports of suicide attempts, wild rantings about being the AntiChrist, buying up all the rooms in her wing, and so much more.

Sources told US Weekly that she's breaking all the rules, and going on wild online shopping binges that are costing her thousands of dollars a pop.

Reports are that the troubled tart is not getting any better in rehab because she was forced to go there. Kevin Federline took the kids away from her and told she would lose custody if she didn't go to rehab. Her family is very concerned that she won't last for the entire thirty days, and have even had her cousin, Allie, spending nights with her for extra support.

It's hard to say where those poor kids would be better off. K-Fed is puuting on a show now, but he hasn't been known as the stable parent in the past. Britney on the other hand, doesn't have a great track record either what with dropping kids on their head, driving with them on her lap, and staying out partying all night.

May the best parent win.

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K-Fed Acts Like Father of the Year

Kevin Federline is coming out of the recent debacle that is Britney Spears, smelling like a proverbial rose. Last weekend he had a paid appearance at a Las Vegas nightclub, and spent Saturday night at Revolution. He took the two kids with him to Vegas, and they spent the evening with a nanny in their Mirage hotel room.

Who'd a thought that K-Fed would emerge as Father of the Year, while Britney's star goes down in flames?

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Another Britney Bombshell

Once again, the UK's News of the World is dropping a bomb on Britney Spears, for the third week in a row. This time they claim to have the inside scoop on everything from details of Brit's alleged suicide attempts, to what went on during Brit and Kev's powow inside rehab, as well as wacked out beliefs like she is being bugged.

Click here to read the entire sordid story, in all its excruciating detail. It's a long read, so grab a drink, kick back, and enjoy.

Wanna See "Seriously Pi**ed Off Britney"?

Bop on over to X-17.com to see the Britster take out her agressions on an innocent SUV and the paps with an umbrella. The photos were taken after she was refused entry into Kevin Federline's house to see her kids, and before she checked into rehab for the third time in one week. There's also video on addition to the photos.

Third Times a Charm for Britney (Hopefully)

For the third time in one week, Britney Spears has checked into rehab, and I hope for her sake that she stays put this time. She has checked back into Promises rehab center in Malibu, after her ex, Kevin Federline, called an emergency custody hearing, That hearing was subsequently cancelled after Spears re-entered the rehab facility. It isn't known if cancelling the hearing had anything directly to do with Brit's rehab stay.

Sources tell TMZ Federline is concerned for Spears' welfare and wants her to get the help she is now seeking. We're also told this will be Spears' last chance -- if she leaves rehab before getting full treatment, Federline will immediately go to court seeking orders allowing him unquestioned full custody of the children.

We're told Spears showed up at Federline's house to see the children last night and he wouldn't let her in.

Sources say the kids are now in the custody of Federline, and have been since last week.

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K-Fed and Brit's Mom Get the Kids

In an ever changing and twisting story, Britney Spears is AWOL from parenting, and her ex, Kevin Federline, is coming out looking like a prince in all this turmoil. K-Fed and Brit's mother, Lynne, have joined forces to care for the babies, while Britney's rehab hopping, tattoo attempts, and head shaving is in full force. Who knows where the popstar will end up today, but at least we know the kids are taken care of.

Speaking of the kids, who's taking care of them while their mom rehab-hops and checks into the Hotel Bel-Air? It's none other than Kevin Federline and Britney's mom, Us reports. K-Fed made a call to his own mom, Julie Bleak, on Valentine's Day to ask for help with the kids, and then Lynne Spears, Brit's mom, pitched in to provide round-the-clock care of Sean and Jayden. Bleak, for her part, flew to L.A. on the same day that Spears made her one-day jaunt to Antigua to go to Crossroads Centre. K-Fed is due in court today for an emergency hearing on child custody – who would've believed that he'd end up being the responsible parent?

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